Writing to myself

Escribiendo para mi mismo

Daring for the First Time - My Thoughts About HIV

There has been a long time since I haven’t touch this place, and now I feel inspired, so here I got with a topic that believe it or not, it is important to me.

Like it or not, HIV (AIDS) is deeply related to the gay community, where more than 50,000 new cases are registered in the US and around 2,000 - 5,000 in Mexico every year, most of these cases are diagnosed in men that have sex with other men (MSM).

Now, the million dollar question is, how is this related to me? Well, first, Im gay, second, I have people that I appreciate and love that have been diagnosed with HIV and third, Im afraid, very afraid. Im a catastrophic thinking guy - I remember once I stopped going to the movies due I believe that way, I would avoid a crossfire - I know its stupid but, thats me - so I tend to think in the worst case scenario in every situation.

But Im upset too, upset of watching such numbers increase, upset of the disease itself since It found its niche in the most popular transmission way which is sex, upset of other gay men (not generally speaking) taking the topic so slightly, upset of me not being able to release such topic.

Not only Im upset, but Im grateful too, grateful of being surrounded of people that cares about me, grateful to the people who has listened to me complaining and releasing my anxiety about the topic, even once one said “I felt like swords crossing my heart when you talk about that”, grateful of being lucky so far, grateful of being afraid and upset because it helps me being alert.

If the HIV topic causes all these emotions to me, so, why talk about it now and not before? Well, I recently watched one interview to this awesome lady (Tina Roth Eisenberg) and one of the things I got from her is that “If something is bothering you, you either do something or let it go”. And since the second option has not work for me - for a long time now - and no therapist seems to please me either - Im very hard with people by the way - well, Im here writing about it, exposing my vulnerability, daring to talk about it, daring for the first time.

Will this help me? I have no idea, but certainly its better than running away. Its time to take the bull by the horns. I need to take action and I have decided to get involve in the topic, instead of just turning around and ignore it. Im checking my options, what, where, how, when are the questions now. The reality is that HIV exists and its here and we have to deal with it regardless if you want to prevent it or live with it.

Javier Azuara

More info? - (US Stats & Mexico Stats)